Children of Ukraine in Norway – Dagsavisen
The alarm goes off for the children of Ukraine, also with us here in Norway.
I am writing this because the children who have come to us, and to many other countries as refugees, live under a harsher sky than many other children with us on the run before them.
Seen through the eyes of a child psychologist, we have two new main challenges without extensive experience background: How to best help and support the mothers during the exercise of direct contact back home. Secondly: what is the best thing we can do when the worst has happened, when Dad has fallen on the battlefield or died in a rocket attack?
We have to start somewhere, as usual.
We have to think about, and then we have to talk together. Then we have to find a structure for direct contact with the mothers about this, with the children as a starting point. Primarily without age limits.
Already here I can share an important experience from a wide range of parental guidance of refugees: Almost everyone feels insecure, some dismissive, to what I have chosen to call “the Norwegian openness” in our communication with our children.
“You talk to children about everything,” they say after being here for a while.
[ – Å brenne Koranen er ikke ytring, og det er riktig av politiet å ikke gi tillatelse ]
I have learned that we must be humble helpers at this point, and not demanding and stout. We need to listen to how their children have already expressed themselves in these situations we are going to guide. What have children of different ages said about the mothers and they fled and the father and grandfather were detained to be ready for war? Have they figured it out – and at what age?
Here it will have a mini plan for different age groups, if they want to talk about this at all. From my experiences with Bosnian, Kosovo Albanian, Afghan, Iraqi and Kurdish children – among others – I have experienced that the oldest boys, those aged 12 and up, are informed about most things, whether they have heard or spoken directly. And that most of them are asked by the smaller children, or that they simply brag to the little ones that they know a lot.
The first piece of advice is to listen to the mother and support her on what you immediately think is good or OK among what she has chosen to say to children of different ages. Look for examples. You can also mention, without name, good examples from other mothers you have met among them. Write down good examples.
Advice number two is to gain good and varied insight into how mothers orient themselves home – time, place and way. That is, mobile, web, picture of far or direct while talking. Where are the children, what happens afterwards, does the father say good for the children?
[ Ny singel fra Sigrid: En trøstevise for tunge dager ]
You make your own assessments and are initially wary of being pointy if you get upset. Where are the children in relation to news, separate channels from Ukraine? A main point we do not get around here, are stories about his father’s heroic efforts and what he has inflicted on the enemy in that context.
My instinct tells me that this is not for children. But how are the conditions for child protection at this point, for example in reception? And how should our advice be communicated? We should at least have a common attitude and common formulations.
If the conditions are right for it, with an interpreter and other things, it has a lot to do with gathering mothers in smaller guidance groups. Be careful with structured management on your part so that not much happens “under the radar” that you do not get with you. Do not do this alone. In a gentle way, you can say that it is good for children to talk about what they are afraid of, bad memories and thoughts that bother them.
It’s about listening so children talk, and talking so children listen!
It is not harmful for children to talk, it is not wrong of us to encourage them and listen. Top experts have recently noted that it can be good for children to talk to several different people about the traumatic. Older children can write a memory book or letter to dad and others. Helping children talk and express hurt feelings is first-rate first aid.
Should the child talk to the father?
[ Hedvig Montgomery om 2010-tallet: – Foreldrene begynte å gjøre alt for barna (+) ]
The first answer, of course, is yes. But the mother can talk about and get advice on what she wants to say that he should not say directly to the children. In any case, it is a good practice in such a special crisis situation that the mother has a one-on-one conversation long before she and the children eventually have to talk to the father.
My instinct says that mother should always hear what the children are talking to dad about. From experience, I know that children do not remember what is said if the parents cry or are otherwise upset. They just remember it. This can apply to children up to the age of 10.
Now it is not only fathers who can die in Ukraine, but other known of the children. The message of death should therefore be formalized so that it has a degree of predictability, structure and follow-up – depending on how close people are involved.
A minimum requirement is that we have a plan together with the mother about how the “very worst” of different closeness is to be conveyed further and that the children are not allowed to hear it randomly from others. I have no knowledge of reunion with severely injured but transportable dads.
[ Norske storfilmer kommer tett over sommeren – «Narvik» kan bli utsatt til 2023 ]
The situation for the Ukrainian mothers and children, who are soon four million on the run around, is so special that we lack both models and examples that can make us better helpers, so here an ongoing communication and experience sharing is of utmost importance.
There are, fortunately, we can say in a situation like this, many agencies and many sources of guidance on talking to children of different ages about war and other difficult topics. Both online and with the professionals in the municipalities’ crisis team. In addition to health authorities with expertise in mapping and following up trauma reactions in individual children, and also in mothers.
All children are our children.
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