Cologne: Dom, Rhein FC: Satirical outlook for the year 2022
Copyright: dpa
Let’s forget all fortune telling – we say how the Cologne year 2022 will really be: With EXPRESS.de’s “dead serious” year outlook, you could already plan …
The turn of the year is coming up. While many are looking back, EXPRESS.de is looking ahead as always and already knows for sure what the Cologne year 2022 will be like. Do not you believe? You will be right about that: walk into it satirical year forecast.
January: Everything went very quickly: At the first meeting of the city council, the decision to build a second Cologne opera was made. All parties vote in favor. Because the new building will be finished much faster than the renovation of the previous opera. This is where the council should meet in future. A comparison of council meetings with operettas is forbidden.
February: D’r Zoch kütt – not! The mourning among the carnivalists quickly turns into actionism: A human chain is formed at a distance of 1.5 meters on the Cologne city limits. Every carnivalist, with a Kölsch in hand, walks five meters to the left after Zochleiter Holger Kirsch has given the go-ahead. The “Cologne Circle” can even be seen from space on the ISS. There, in view of some of the wavering carnivalists, people already speak of “Cologne omikrumm”.
March: The fasting ripples almost a little, as part-time the cathedral chapter His contribution to the environment: Cologne Cathedral is getting a solar roof! In the future, die e-candles in the cathedral are also to be operated in a CO2-neutral manner. In addition, there is still capacity to supply the Christmas lights on Hohen Strasse in the future. The electric trolleys can now also charge at the e-tank to the right of the high altar.
April: Road salt scandal in the administration: After a violent onset of winter, it is found that the city no longer has any road salt available. The reason is quickly determined: A resourceful employee had sold the salt to Cologne breweries because he believed the winter had been completely out of order. The meatball turnover in the beer floodplains immediately increases enormously, but no car can move forward or backward.
Cologne: Pedal boat rental on the Rhine in summer is coming
June: Health Minister Karl Lauterbach declares a bilateral travel agreement with Mallorca in the corona pandemic for his adopted home of Cologne: Because flying is far too dangerous, Cologne residents are transported to the Spanish coast free of charge in uncovered coaches. Swimming from the mainland to the Balearic Islands must then be taken over by yourself. However, Lauterbach points out that a mask is required when swimming.
July: Cologne groans under the monkey heat, when mayor Henriette Reker comes up with a brilliant thought: The KVB opens a pedal boat rental shop on the Rhine and is renovating itself with a grandiose business! The only problem: Due to the current, a lot of customers end up in Düsseldorf. The state capital protests: Unauthorized Zoch in summer! Cancellation!
Cologne: Cologne Lights 2022 in August with gifts
August: The Cologne Opera opens – still not. The relocated Cologne lights ensure a mega spectacle. Every guest receives a rocket as a present, which he or she can save until December, when firecrackers are again prohibited.
September: Ludwig Sebus is 97 years old and lets the cat out of the bag: He becomes the new urban planning director and campaigns for high-rise buildings at the height of the cathedral. The motto of his term of office: “Luur ens von Düx noh Kölle – from magic you are flat.”
October: New attendance record in the Lanxess Arena! Björn Heuser renames the event “Kölle singt” in a unique project to “Kölle swingt”: To freshen up some dreary marriages, the new couple’s evening, musically accompanied by the guitar at the Schäl Sick, was a complete success.
Cologne: Schunkel instruction of the festival committee for 11.11.2022
November: 11.11. May now take place without restriction on the hay market for people who have been vaccinated five times. In order to get a better grip on the air currents and aerosols, however, by order of the festival committee it is only allowed to swing to the left – in the direction of the Rhine. The draft on the water ensures better removal.
December: The incidence in Cologne has been at zero for two months, all of Cologne is celebrating with a large fireworks display, the breweries are making the Kölsch sales of their lives. Oh no, wait: this is really too far-fetched.