“Is it my fault dad hits mom?”
In 2020 in Luxembourg, the police intervened 943 times in the context of domestic violence and carried out 278 expulsions of violent spouses. A couple affair (s), but with, too often, children in the middle of the drama. Sometimes targets of blows too, and in all cases collateral victims. Last year, 526 children were taken care of by the PSYea service of the Women in Distress association. A dedicated service where six psychologists and an educator listen and heal open wounds.
“Each child reacts differently depending on his age, his perception, the family climate. We take care to preserve their safety while unlocking their word, ”explains Christophe Cardoso, one of the psychologists. Heart and mind surgeons who work on a case-by-case basis, sometimes with toddlers, other times with young adults up to the age of 21. “Is it my fault dad hits mom?” Why is this happening to us? Is my dad going to jail? », The children’s questions nourish the psychological exchange, the basis of reconstruction.
“Give keys to the child”
As part of the expulsion of the violent parent, a 14-day preventive measure, the partner and the children now have the obligation to be seen at least once by a psychologist. The victim parent can also directly request the services of the association for their children. In other cases, a foster home where a minor affected by domestic violence is placed can also submit a request for psychological care. “We are there to give the keys to the child, that he can face this and know how to react if it happens again”, slips Christophe Cardoso. We help him to relativize, too, when the child feels responsible. Finally, we explain to him when he is in denial.
To cure all ills is utopian. The stakes are too high, the emotional collides with the many actors who enter the dance when the violence has an echo outside the private framework. But listening, providing and supporting children are levers that Luxembourg has strengthened through its measures against domestic violence in recent years. “We can follow a child from one interview to ten, from two to six months. In some, more rare cases, we are there for a year and a half ”.
“Why is daddy gone?”
In the Grand Duchy, there is no typical family profile affected by domestic violence. At PSYea we welcome children from very diverse backgrounds even if it must be admitted that criteria of precariousness, of geographical or cultural origin, can create aggravating factors and make it not easy to free yourself from a romantic relationship. violent and toxic. “There are also children who manage this very well, notes Christophe Cardoso. It is a preconceived idea to imagine it very fragile when they arrive here. The very young, for example, speak more easily ”. Case by case, again and again.
Can we still do better? Without doubt, in each device, by training psychologists. In the background, there is also this idea of preventing the child who has become an adult from reproducing the same pattern of violence. Another point that is debated, in the context of an expulsion of fourteen days, the violent parent cannot come into contact with his victim, in this case his spouse or partner, but can continue to see his children. All the difficulty of distinguishing the physical bond and the emotional bond. “Why daddy left?” Is also a question that resonates in the offices of PSYea.
(The essential / Nicolas Chauty)
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